How is my poem? (Thank you “Honey” for the concept of asking Yahoo)?
Be honest, be brutal. I want to know what your thoughts are. This won’t be the last time I submit one here.
Rose: Beauty and Compassion
And there in darkness lies a withering rose
Of which whose sight sets many tears aflow.
Yet in its dying moments, it still shows
That from the wilting beauty, compassion can grow.
From the criticisms I’ve gathered, I should substitute “can” with “may” in the last line and perhaps “sets” with “forced” in the second line?
Wow that was wonderful, actually. I’m impressed.
The first line is beautifully written: the words, linguistically, flow very well; the euphonius sounds make it beautiful; the sibilance in the second line is a bit choppy though; the first two s’s follow each other so closely, and the s’s set up are not in a patterned way. Perhaps this was not your intention, but I’m just being brutal.
The third line, again, using simple words makes for a euphonic effect.
The fourth line’s “compassion” isn’t so much clunky — it takes up too much of the line and doesn’t allow the “can” that follows to flow into the “grow”.
The imagery is lovely, yet the words themselves don’t seem to be crafted and slaved over, but they still come together well.
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